Magically Fluting - A Loving Laugh at a Great Masterpiece
by AlpineSheep
Summary: Why does Tamino miss vital (and obvious) information? Is Sarastro good or bad? What's with the number three all over the place? Is Papageno really a bird? What is the secret password to enter the Temple of Wisdom? All this and more will be explained in light-hearted fun!
1. Overture and Scene One

**Magically Fluting: A Loving Laugh at a Great Masterpiece**

_**or**_

_**Die Zauberflöte Demystified for the American Audience**_

_**Or**_

_**Variations on an Opera by Mozart**_

_**OR**_

_**What Happened After I Went, Huh? And All the Things I Came Up With…**_

**Author's Note**: As Die Zauberflöte's (The Magic Flute's [pronounced roughly like: Dee TsOWberFLIRTa]) fanbase is relatively small and potentially fragile, I feel compelled to begin by expressing my love and admiration of this opera. Die Zauberflöte is an ingenious blend of intelligence, depth, simplicity, humor, solemnity, and life, made rich with characters that draw you in and take you along on their adventures, and is filled with some of the greatest music from the greatest composer. It is one of my absolute favorites and it is perhaps only because I have listened to it a gazillion times that a parody emerged, eager to be brought to life in fanfiction. Therefore, let it be known: I DO NOT THINK THE MAGIC FLUTE IS A STUPID OPERA. I just wanted to tease it a little bit, the same way I might tease a good friend. So, without further ado, let the teasing begin…

P.S. Inspirational credit must be given here to Baroness Emma and The Lark for their Scarlet Pimpernel parodies _(Lord Tony and the Princess Snide_, and _The Scarlet Pimpernel for Dummies)_. Their creative - and hilarious - endeavors were formative in giving me ideas for how I wanted this to look. I hope I haven't ripped them off.

_GENERAL NOTICE: _

_By the proper and good regulations concerning poking fun, fun will be poked at everyone and everything available for said poking. If the reader seeking fun is dissatisfied with the content of these pages, said fun seeker may take advantage of available rights regarding the freedom to seek fun elsewhere. _

_END OF GENERAL NOTICE_

**Overture: The Orchestra Plays**

**Narrator: **The stage is dark and the curtains are closed. Suddenly, beautiful music rises from the orchestra pit – the overture has begun. First strong, then quiet, quickly becoming playful and engaging. Words will not really do justice to Mozart's Overture to The Magic Flute, so I will leave it to the reader to go listen to it and then come back. Of special note ought to be the use of three blasts of three on the woodwinds and brass. This is Mozart being Masonic. Masons give great value to the number three. Why they do is not certain – at least they have never told me – but it is quite certain they like it very much and the reader should not be surprised if threes pop up all over the place in this opera – even where least expected.

**Scene One: Tamino and the Three Ladies**

**Narrator**: The really good overture is over and the curtain parts. There is thunder and lightning and overall terrible weather. A man is running around on the stage being chased by a huge snake. This is Prince Tamino. (The man, not the snake.)

**Prince Tamino Character Synopsis**

Tamino is a prince of some undisclosed kingdom and, like all proper princes, is impossibly handsome and entirely moral, always seeking quests of adventure and morals – hoping that eventually one of the quests will turn out to be the "Find Your Future Queen Quest" (Also known as the "FYFQQ") that all princes are obligated to make at some point in their lives. This quest is a pretty big deal to princes and Tamino was no different. However, this is not the quest that Tamino is on right now (although he wished it was).

**Tamino**: (_Starts singing in German as he runs around the stage trying to escape the serpent trying to eat him). Loose translation of German singing: _"Omigosh, help! Help me! Aaaaa! There's a freakin' big snake trying to eat me! If no one helps me then I'm gonna die! Oh no it's getting closer!" (_Falls over and faints)._

**Narrator**_: (Shifts awkwardly in chair)_. Yes… well, um…. (_Rubs chin thoughtfully and takes in a deep breath before proceeding)_. One really shouldn't be too hard on Tamino at this point. He _has_ been running for some time, and even though princes are supposed to be equipped to deal with these sorts of emergencies, Tamino was unprepared because he was looking to commence an FYFQQ, not fight an evil serpent. So fainting is, well, understandable. Now is the time to enter The Three Ladies.

**The Three Ladies**: (_Leaping onto the stage and running toward the snake)_: Ta-da! We'll save the day!

**The Three Ladies' Character Synopsis**

Magical and mysterious, the three ladies are veiled women who serve the Queen of the Night. This is all we know, because, well, they wouldn't be mysterious if we did.

**The Three Feminists in the Audience**: (_Leaping out of their seats and booing)_. This opera was written by Chauvinistic pigs! The females have been reduced to nameless nonentities!

**Narrator**: Not so fast. There will be time for that sort of thing later, but in this instance you are grossly mistaken. Three nameless boys will also feature prominently in this opera, so PLEASE sit back down!

**Three Feminists in Audience**_: (Grumble and resume their seats). _Hey, wait a minute…did we just get our names replaced with the epithet, "_The Three Feminists_?!"…

**Narrator**: Deal with it. Anyways, ladies, you may continue.

**Three Ladies**: Yay. Okay so, abracadabra!

_Snake dies_.

**The Three Ladies**: (_Perform a happy dance_) Woohoo! We're awesome! Oh yeah! Girl power! (_Suddenly notice Tamino)._

**First Lady:** Wow, a man!

**Second Lady:** Isn't he cute?

**Third Lady:** He's dreamy…

**All Three:** (_Begin to wish the others would take the hint to leave them alone with their newfound prize)._

**First Lady:** You both go ahead and tell the Queen of our discovery, I'll protect him while you're gone.

**Second Lady: **Oh no you don't! _I'll_ stay with him and you two can go tell the Queen.

**Third Lady:** Nah, you've all got it wrong sistahs, _I'm_ the one takin' care of this man!

**First Lady:** Oh yeah?

**Third Lady:** Yeah!

**Second Lady: **That's what _you_ think!

**All Three:** (_Glare fiercely at each other for a few moments before shrieking and seizing the others' hair, disintegrating into a cat-fight that lasts several minutes)._

**First Lady:** Ouch! I broke a nail!

**Second lady:** That was my new dress!

**Third Lady:** And I just got my hair done!

**Tamino:** (_Remains blissfully unconscious as the hair, clothing, nails, and insults fly all around him)._

**The Three Ladies:** (_Begin to come to the realization that the other two won't leave)._

**First Lady:** Drat Masons and their threesomes…

**Third Lady:** Yeah, ain't dat da truth…

**Second Lady:** Too bad there weren't three princes. Guess we'll all have to leave…

**All Three**: Goodbye gorgeous man!

**First Lady**: Goodbye!

**Second Lady:** Goodbye!

**Third Lady:** (_Throws herself over Tamino's prostrate form and cries)_. Goodbye! Oh, goodbye!

**Second and First Lady:** (_Drag Third Lady off the stage so Tamino is now alone with the dead snake)._


	2. Papageno

**Scene Two: Papageno**

**Tamino**: (_Stirs and awakens)_. Uhng… Where am I? Am I dead? (_Pinches arm)_. Ouch! Guess not. (_Looks behind him)_. Oh, but the snake is! Phew, that was a close one.

**Narrator**: A pipe sounds off in the distance

**Tamino**: Uh-oh. Now what? Considering my luck with the snake, I'd better hide till I figure out who that guy is coming toward me now. (_Dives for cover behind a convenient tree)._

**Narrator**: Enter Papageno, a silly looking fellow all covered in feathers.

**Papageno Character Synopsis**

Papageno is a simple man with but few aspirations in life. Food and drink are all he cares about and – but there! He is about to sing everything we need to know about him right now. See? I told you he was a simple fellow…

**Papageno**: (_Dances around the stage, piping a panflute to attract birds and singing in German – a song of which a rough translation appears below)_:

I am the birdcatcher, yes that's me!

Always happy, oh yessiree!

The birdcatcher is who I am,

Known by every man and child in the land.

I can pipe and play little songs,

And so all the birdies come to me in throngs.

(_Repeats first four lines_)

Wish I had a net for girls, I'd catch them all quite fine,

And lock them up by the dozens, then all the girls would be mine!

If all the girls were mine, I'd pick my favorite by a test,

And by my side would she always rest.

**Three Feminists in Audience**: (_Booing)_. Disparagement of the female sex!

**Narrator:** Really?

**Three Feminists in Audience**: (_Desist booing and commence disgruntled murmuring)_.

**Tamino**: Hey you!

**Papageno**_: (Loses a few feathers in surprise)_. Hey who?

**Tamino**: (_Affecting fine princely tones and approaching Papageno)_. Tell me my good friend, who are you?

**Papageno**: _Who_ am _I?_ I mean, there are stupid questions and then there are STOOpid questions. That was a really, really STOOOOOOPID humdinger doozy! (_Frowns at Tamino_) Um, didn't you listen to my song?

**Tamino**: (_Innocently)_. What song?

**Papageno**: What song? _What song?_ _WHAT SONG?_

**Narrator: **Woo-hoo! Triplets score!

**Papageno**: (_Fluffs his feathers and looks pleased with himself before remembering to get back to being miffed with Tamino. His feathers stick straight out and he glares at the prince). _Do you mean to tell me that I ran around the stage singing at the top of my lungs for two minutes and twenty-six seconds only for someone to bother me with nothing but stupid questions?

**Tamino**: (_Shrugs)_. I guess…

**Narrator**: Now lest the reader think Tamino as stupid as Papageno believes him to be, let it be known that it isn't really Tamino's fault. Tamino is a prince, and as such suffers from a condition peculiar to royalty: Selective Auditory Awareness Syndrome (SAAS). It is a syndrome brought on by years of whiney peasants complaining about taxes, forced labor, and everything they think they're entitled to when really they're not, thereby inundating royal ears so completely, that in order to survive with sanity intact, the royal mind ceases to listen. Royalty with whinier subjects than most are at the greatest risk to develop this syndrome, higher risks are also noted in kings and queens, as opposed to princes, princesses, dukes and barons etc. Tamino didn't have a terrible case of it just yet – his peasants were average whiners and he was just a prince, so his risk factors were low at this point. However, he would still suffer the occasional exacerbation of the syndrome – particularly around commoners – and he happened to completely blank out during Papageno's song. Thus it was that he had not benefited from any of the information it provided. However, Papageno was unaware of Tamino's Selective Auditory Awareness Syndrome. He didn't even know yet that he was a prince. Therefore, he was rather inclined to be cheeky with his reply.

**Papageno**: (_Snorts)_. I'm a man – just like you! (_aside to himself_) Except I'm smarter…

**Tamino**: (_Snapping out of SAAS mode)_. _What_ did you say?

**Papageno**: (_Strikes noble, distant staring pose_) They're taking the hobbits to Isengard! To Isengard! To Isengard-gard g-g-g-gard! (_aside to himself, giggling_) You can really have fun with this guy!

**Narrator**: Score for pop-culture reference!

**Papageno**: (_Takes a bow_) Thank you! Thank you very much! (_Turns to Tamino_) Now, what would you say if I asked who _you_ are?

**Tamino**: (_Attempts to recover air of great dignity and nobility)_. I am a prince of royal blood! My father rules over a land of many thousands of people and –

**Papageno**: (_Interrupting)_. Thousands of people? Ha! I could make good business with my birds there, I think.

**Tamino:** What? Business not so good around here?

**Papageno**: (_Shrugs)_. The queen of the night always buys my birds and gives me cake and wine in exchange. I guess I can't complain. (_Starts to preen ruffled feathers)_.

**Tamino**: (_Stares with raised eyebrow)._

**Papageno**: Hey man, you're creeping me out! Why are you staring at me?

**Tamino**: Um, you look kind of like a… like a…

**Papageno**: (_Laughs)_. A bird? (_Laughs_ _again_. _Suddenly comes to a realization and freaks out)_.

**Narrator**: What he realized we may never know, but Papageno always was one to frighten easily… Not unlike a bird… Perhaps his fear was that Tamino had just come _way_ too close to the truth…

**Papageno**: (_Hopping around frantically_). You just stand back! I – I am the strongest brute you ever tangled with! (_Punches air in Tamino's general direction)_.

**Narrator**: Tamino is completely unphased by these displays of ferocity, and comes to – apparently – the only obvious, logical conclusion.

**Tamino**: Oh, so it was YOU who killed the great serpent!

**Papageno**: (_Screeching like a little schoolgirl)_. Serpent?! I hate snakes I hate snakesIhatesnakesIhate – wait, it's dead? Oh, yeah, sure I killed it!

**Narrator**: Unfortunately for Tamino, he was unable to see through this obvious lie as his SAAS kicked back in again and he missed the part of the scene where Papageno ran around freaking out. So, he believed the fellow implicitly.

**Tamino**: How can I ever thank you?

**Papageno**: Um, let me see…

**The Three Ladies**: (_Very angrily)._ Papageno!

**Papageno**: Rats. They just pop up out of nowhere, don't they?

**The Three Ladies**: Papageno!

**Papageno**: Boy, they sure sound grouchy!

**Tamino**: Who are they?

**Papageno**: Beats me. They always take my birds and give me my cake and wine, though.

**Tamino**: Cool.

**The Three Ladies:** (_Even angrier)_. Papageno!

**Papageno**: Third time's the charm my beauties! Here I am and here are my birds. Where's the food?

**First Lady**: Hmph!

**Second Lady**: Hmph!

**Third Lady**: Hmph!

**Papageno**: C'mon girls, how can I know what you're angry about if you don't tell me?

**First Lady**: You should know!

**Papageno**: What? Why don't we try communicating and get this all straightened out.

**First Lady**: Hmph! Here's some water instead of wine!

**Second Lady**: And here's a rock instead of a cake!

**Papageno**: Hey, wait a minute!

**Third Lady**: And here's a lock for your mouth!

**Papageno**: Wait what? What happened to communication? I – Mmmmm ermmm! (_Papageno can no longer speak as the Third Lady has managed to seal his mouth shut with a magical lock)._

**Third Lady**: That oughta do it!

**Tamino:** Wow. Wish I had one of those – or a couple hundred. It could be the cure for Selective Auditory Awareness Syndrome! We could put all that funding to some better use. No more marathons, awareness campaigns, ribbon sales…

**The Three Ladies**: Hey, cuteness! Wouldn't you like to know who really saved you? It was us!

**Tamino**: Oh… And it is preferable to be saved by three ladies than one idiot because?

**Papageno**: MMMM!

**Three Feminists in Audience**: Hey! That was uncalled for!

**Tamino**: Sorry, I just made that up myself – it's not actually in the opera.

**Narrator**: And the rest of this is?

**Tamino**: Umm…


	3. Queens and Quests

**Scene Three: Queens and Quests**

**The Three Ladies**: Hey, we're getting sidetracked! Here! (_Seize Tamino and hand him a picture)_. Check out this girl and see what you think. (_They run offstage, laughing and pointing at poor Papageno as they depart)_.

**Tamino**: Oka-ay… (_Sees picture and is suddenly overcome with l'amoré. Begins to sing beautiful aria…) _Dies Bildness ist be-zaubernd schön… (English translation): This likeness is enchantingly beautiful_… _(American translation): What a hot girl…_ (Sings for five more minutes_…)

**Audience**: (_Sits enraptured but forgets half-way through what Tamino is singing about…)_

**Tamino**_: (Finishes with a flourish and holds picture to his bosom)._

**The Three Ladies**: (_Reappearing spontaneously out of thin air)_. Our queen has heard your song and –

**First Lady**: Has realized –

**Second Lady**: That you are the only –

**Third Lady**: One to save –

**First Lady**: Her –

**Second Lady**: Daughter –

**Third Lady**: Pamina –

**First Lady**: From –

**Second Lady**: The –

**Third Lady**: Evil –

**First Lady**: Evil –

**Third Lady**: No, I already said 'evil'.

**First Lady**: You did?

**Third Lady**: Uh-huh.

**First Lady**: Oops…

**Second Lady**: (_Rolls her eyes at the other two and finishes for them)._ The evil sorcerer, Sarastro.

**Tamino**: Save Pamina? The daughter of the Queen of the Night? A princess? (_aside to himself_) Sounds like an FYFQQ to me… (_turns to the three ladies_) Girls, you've got a deal! Pamina will be saved! I pledge by my love, by my heart, by my sword, by my feet, by my toes, by my –

_Thunder resounds and shakes the stage_.

**Tamino**: Yikes! By my toenails! I – hey? What the heck is going on?

**The Three Ladies**: (_Ominously)_. Prepare yourself…

**First Lady**: She's coming…

**Second Lady**: She's coming!...

**Third Lady**: (_Voice echoing maniacally)_. She's co-ommmmiinnnng!

**Tamino**: Oka-ay… So 'she's' coming…

**Narrator**: Enter the Queen of the Night…

**Queen of the Night Character Synopsis**

The Queen of the Night is the most powerful woman in this strange land that Tamino has wandered into. Nobody messes with her. Well, almost nobody…Soaring through the political firmament like a flaming star, she secured her position through a series of tactful stratagem, including a well-calculated marriage with a man whose great power she intended ultimately to eclipse in time. Her daughter, Pamina, is the treasure of her heart, and provides a channel through which the Queen can exercise her one hobby: matchmaking. In a time when arranged marriages were common, and love only discovered through physical encounters, the Queen entertained the revolutionary theory that one might also fall in love with someone simply by viewing their picture. Her secret dream was to found a place where interested singles might submit their portraits and view others, thereby obtaining the match of their dreams. Thus she was quite pleased to see Tamino's favorable reaction to her little experiment. Besides, the match would be advantageous and result in the securement of further power. She is also Bipolar and sometimes forgets to take her meds…

**Queen of the Night**: (_Arrives on a crescent moon, dabbing tears from her eyes and blowing her nose before alighting to the stage. Begins to sing a sad and beautiful aria – in German like everyone else – the key points of which are as follows_): Relax, my prince, for I see you are, like all proper princes, impossibly handsome and entirely moral, always seeking quests of adventure and morals. Listen to me now. My dear, only daughter was stolen from me by the most terrible, evil man. The vile sorcerer, Sarastro! The villain broke my power so that I could do nothing, and before my eyes Pamina was taken away from me.

**Audience**: (_Sits mesmerized by beautiful, peaceful singing_).

**Queen of the Night**: (_Singing changes abruptly to excessively happy tones and threatens to reach ear-splitting high notes as the queen gleefully skips around Tamino_). But you! You! You, will save my daughter! And then –

**Audience**: (_Braces for the imminent ear-splitting high note by poising fingers to stop ears at a moment's notice_).

**Queen of the Night**: Then - (_Sings the word "then" for several more measures and hits the high note. The note is not earsplitting at all and is actually quite beautiful_).

**Audience**: (_Breathes sigh of relief and lowers fingers, enjoying the rest of the aria_).

**Queen of the Night**: And then she will be forever yours! (_Disappears from sight in a huge explosion that destroys half the stage_)

**Tamino**: (_Shaking splinters out of his hair_). I totally did not just see that! I must be trippin' on something…

**Papageno**: (_Trying to sing through the lock on his mouth_) Mm-mm-mm! Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm! Mm! MM! (_What he's trying to say: Hey prince! A little help over here!_)

**Tamino**: (_Sees Papageno and laughs, pointing his finger at him and singing along with his mm-mming in a little duet_). Ha-ha! You can certainly talk of punishment! Oh, wait, that's right! You can't talk! Ha-ha!

**Papageno**: (_Glares furiously_). Mm-mm-mm-mm-MM! (_What he's trying to say: I'm going to punch you right in your arrogant prince nose…_)

**Tamino**: (_Oblivious of these threats upon his person_). I'd love to help you but I can't!

**Papageno**: (_Sarcastically_). Mm-mm-mm-mmmm! (_Yeah, sure you_ _would_!)

**Tamino**: (_Singing gleefully_) I'd love to help you but I can't, I can't, oh no I can't!

**Papageno**: Mm-mm-mm-mm, mm-mm-mm-mm! (_You rotten little buzzard_!)

**Tamino**: That's right, I can't, I can't!

**Papageno**: Mm-mm-mmmm! (_I'll wring your neck_!)

**Tamino**: I can't I can't, I can't oh no I can't!

**Papageno**: Mm-mm-mm-mmm, mm-mm-mm-mmm, mm-MM-mm, Mmmm! (_Say that one more time and there'll be plenty you can't do after I'm finished_!)

**The Three Ladies**: (_Reappearing, they join in the duet to form a Quintett_): Okay, time-out is over. The Queen says you've learned your lesson! (_Take off the lock from Papageno's mouth_).

**Papageno**: Ouch! Right, I'll never speak again!

**The Three Ladies**: (_Sighing_). No, stupid, never lie again!

**Papageno**: Oh. Right.

**The Three Ladies**: (_Hand Papageno a piece of chalk_) Good, now go write that on the blackboard over there one hundred times.

**Papageno**: (_Takes chalk and runs off to the blackboard_) I will never lie again. I will never lie again. I will never…

**The Three Ladies**: (_Turning to Tamino_) Here, prince. We present you with… (_Drum roll sounds_)… The Magic Flute!

**Tamino**: The Magic Flute?

**The Three Ladies**: The Magic Flute! It will protect you on your Find Your Future Queen Quest!

**First Lady**: Through it, love will find the bachelor…

**Second Lady**: You can change the hearts of humanity!

**Third Lady**: With it you could… dare I say it? Rule the world!

**Tamino**: Cool. Sounds handy!

**Papageno**: (_Returning and dusting chalk off his feathers_). Very well ladies, prince, it has all been most amusing but I must take my leave of you all now. Ta-ta!

**The Three Ladies**: Not so fast! You will take your leave in the direction of Sarastro's castle!

**Papageno**: (_Screeches_) Sarastro?! You mean the one that you and the Queen are always referring to as, 'That evil beast' and 'That hideous monster' and 'That terrible creature'? There were some other names too but I'd rather not increase the rating of this production. He'll pluck my feathers, baste me in barbeque sauce and throw me on the grill! Go pick some other sucker to go to his castle!

**The Three Ladies**: You shall go with the prince! He'll protect you!

**Papageno**: (_Sarcastically_) Ooo! I feel so-o safe!

**Tamino**: Hey! I may faint at the sight of snakes, freak out in thunderstorms, and suffer from SAAS, but remember: I am like all proper princes, impossibly handsome and entirely moral, always seeking quests of adventure and morals – that's gotta count for something!

**Papageno**: (_Sneaking away, stage left_) Not much…

**The Three Ladies**: (_In enticing baby-talk_) Oh Papageno! We've got a widdle tweat for you!

**Papageno**: (_Perks up and sprints over quickly, chirping_) A treat? A treat! Where?

**The Three Ladies**: Wight he-ere… (_hold out a box_)

**Papageno**: (_Takes box and peeks inside_) Ooo, shiny… (_Cocks head and admires reflection, fluffing out his feathers_) What is it?

**The Three Ladies**: Musical chimes. These will _really_ protect you!

**Papageno**: Okay, I'm good now!

**All Together**: Magic Flutes and Musical Chimes will unite us all, bring about world peace, prevent global warming, and save the world!

**Three Environmental Activists in Audience**: Yeah! Woo-hoo! Wait a minute. Are we being mocked? I think we are…

**Tamino and Papageno**: Farewell! Goodbye! (_Start to leave_)

**The Three Ladies**: Farewell! Goodbye! (_Start to leave also_)

**Tamino**: (_Does a double take_) Oops, wait a minute, where is Sarastro's castle anyway?

**Papageno**: That's actually a good question…

**The Three Ladies**: Don't worry, three wise little boys will lead you to it!

**Papageno and Tamino**: (_Dubiously_) Three wise little boys?

**The Three Ladies**: Yep. Don't listen to anyone else but them.

**Papageno and Tamino**: Hokey dokey, gotcha. Goodbye again! Farewell! Goodbye!

**The Three Ladies**: Goodbye again! Farewell! Goodbye!

**Narrator**: They repeat their goodbyes about five more times, no wait, six, seven… okay, they're done now.


	4. Monostatos and Pamina

**Scene Four: Monostatos and Pamina - and Papageno too**

**Narrator**: The curtain now opens on an Egyptian looking room. Three slaves are sitting around, snickering to each other.

**First Slave**: Monostatos is gonna get it!

**Second Slave**: He's in big trouble!

**Third Slave**: Pamina escaped him!

**All together**: (_sing-songy_) Nah-nah-na-nah-naaah!

**Monostatos Character Synopsis**

Monostatos is a creepy, lusting, pervert who can't keep his hands off Pamina – a fact that constantly drives her to escape. He also used to run track in college and set several kingdom records, later winning a professional championship. He is one of the fastest people for miles around. This makes him useful as a jailer. He also happens to be Moorish.

**Monostatos**: (_Entering stage left, dragging Pamina behind him_) Hey you slaves! Get me some chains!

**The Three Slaves**: Oops. So much for that…

**Monostatos**: Thought you could escape me, eh? (_Chuckles_) You'll have to run faster next time, my sweet! Ha!

**Pamina**: I wish I was dead!

**Pamina Character Synopsis**

Pamina, daughter of the Queen of the Night, is pretty, sweet, and somewhat given to excessive drama. However, one can't blame her too much, after all, as we see here, her life is actually pretty dramatic. Her childhood wasn't much better, as will be revealed in a scene soon to come…

**Monostatos**: You're as good as dead already!

**Pamina**: (_Nobly looking off into the distance_) Death doesn't scare me! I only worry what my poor mother will do without me…

**Monostatos**: Prepare to be destroyed by my hatred!

**Pamina**: Ewww… Please, just kill me first and get it done and over with already! (_faints_)

**Monostatos**: (_Rubbing hands and chuckling_) Go, slaves! Forget the chains! Leave me alone with my pre-eciousss!

**The Three Slaves**: (_Beat a thankful retreat off the stage and in the direction of the nearest bathroom to relieve their sickened stomachs_)

**Monostatos**: (_Turns momentarily from Pamina and tests his breath_) Gross…where's my minty gum? (_Rummages pockets and trots off stage in search_)

**Narrator**: Enter Papageno from other side of stage…

**Papageno**: (_Happily singing to himself_) Oh the birdcatcher, yes that's me! Out on an adventure, whoopdeedee! The birdcatch – Oh, aha! (_Sees Pamina passed out on the ground_). A pretty girl!

**Monostatos**: (_Running back on stage, popping several sticks of gum in his mouth – doesn't look where he is going and accidentally runs into Papageno_)

**Papageno**: Yipes! It's a black dude!

**Three Civil Rights Activists in Audience**: Awww! He just said the B word! Apologize and say 'African American'!

**Narrator**: But he's not American. He's Moorish. So what now?

**Three Civil Rights Activists**: Um… Uh…We'll get back to you on this one…

**Monostatos**: Yipes! It's a feathery monster!

**Both together**: Or worse – It must be _the DEVIL_! Run for your lives! Aaaaa! (_Both run off stage away from each other at top speed_)

**Pamina**: (_Wakes up_) Mother… Mother? Mother! (_Looks around empty stage_) Rats. I even said it three times and it didn't work. I wish I _had_ died. Now I have only awoken to fresh pain, agony, torture, tribulation, suffering, torment –

**Papageno**: (_Returning to stage_) Ha! I'm so silly! There are black birds in the world, why not black men also? Oh, look! The girl is still here.

**Narrator**: Lest the audience think it was due to greater intelligence that Papageno realized his error quickly enough to come back before Monostatos, it will be pointed out here that such a thing is not true. Papageno is just as simple as ever, he just hadn't gotten as far away as Monostatos when he ran – not being as fast as the Moor – and so had a shorter distance to come back when he figured things out.

**Papageno**: (_Looking at the picture of Pamina that Tamino must have given to him_) Hmm… It might be the daughter of the Queen of the Night…

**Pamina**: Queen of the Night? You know my good, sweet, mother? What is your name?

**Papageno**: (_Snorts_) Good, _sweet_, mother? About as sweet as a bolt of lightning, and yes, I have been sent by her. Prince Tamino has fallen in love with your picture. My name is Papageno, and I'm here to set you up with him! Although, he may be disappointed…How long ago was this picture taken?

**Pamina**: (_Indignantly_) Just last year! I'll have you know I look even better than that picture when I haven't been held prisoner for several days, gotten slobbered over by perverts, spent time crying my makeup off and fainting! So, Papageno, (_eagerly_) my mom actually got someone to fall in love with my picture?

**Papageno**: Yup. And he's a really hot prince to boot!

**Pamina**: Squee! (_Dancess like a giddy little schoolgirl_) Oh, he loves me! I never thought mom's picture idea would work! Wait a minute though, how do I know he's the right one for me? You might be the right one instead. Are you single?

**Papageno**: Terribly single. No wife, no girlfriend, no sweetheart. (_Sighs sadly_) Just poor old me all by myself.

**Pamina**: Aww. Poor guy. I'll be your girlfriend.

**Papageno**: Nope. My girl's name has gotta be 'Papagena'.

**Pamina**: My name is really close to that.

**Papageno**: (_Scratches feathers on head_) Huh…true… but not close enough! Your name is much closer to 'Tamino'. Besides, there's one other way I know you two are perfect for each other.

**Pamina**: Cause we're both royalty?

**Papageno**: Well, that too, but really because you both are good at fainting. I never faint, and neither will Papagena.

**Pamina**: Tamino is good at fainting? Oh, we'll get along just grand! I love him already! Let's go to him right now!

**Papageno**: Good idea! The longer we spend here the more nervous I'm getting that Sarastro is going to find me and kill me!

**Pamina**: He wouldn't just kill you either, you know. (_Whispers dramatically_) He'd torture you and you would perish only after days and days of vast suffering and torments and –

**Papageno**: (_His feathers flatten and he looks around fearfully_) Yikes! Say no more, let's get outta here!

**Pamina**: Oh, but we've spoiled our lovely talk about love. Couldn't we talk about love a little more? It is my favorite thing.

**Papageno**: (_Fluffs his feathers and cocks his head a little to the side, grinning at Pamina_) M'kay! I love love also. Why don't we sing about it?

**Pamina**: Perfect! Are you sure we're not meant for each other?

**Papageno**: Positive!

**Both**: (_Sing a charming and beautiful duet about love – in German naturally – pointing out its goodness and virtues and the pleasure it brings) _

**Pamina**:Bei Mӓnnern, welche Liebe fühlen… (Men who feel love.._._)

**Papageno**: Die süssen Triebe mit zu fühlen… (The sweet instinct to share…)

**Narrator**:They finish by expounding on the following point, of which here is a rough English translation:

**Both**: Man and woman, woman and man, there is nothing nobler than this!

**Papageno**: Man and woman…

**Pamina**: Woman and man…

**Both**: The loftiest aim of love is this!

**Three LGBT Activists in Audience**: Take it back you insensitive homophobes!

**Narrator**: (_Too busy enjoying the music to even notice this momentary black hole of intelligence. Sighs happily_) I love this opera…


	5. Tamino and the Temple

**Scene Five: Tamino and the Temple**

**Narrator**: We now find the scene has changed, and Tamino is following the three wise boys down a path…

**The Three Wise Boys Character Synopsis**

It is true, these boys are considered quite wise, having been priviledged to receive an excellent education. They were homeschooled and graduated college by the age of ten with degrees in psychology...

**Three Wise Boys**: Follow this path to your destination!

**Tamino**: Gee, thanks! I was getting tired of wandering in this woods. Hey, by the way, you're supposed to be wise, right? Got any words of wisdom?

**Three Wise Boys**: Be steadfast, patient, and discreet!

**Tamino**: Wow, that _is_ wise! (_Starts to leave_) Oh! Another question while I've got you all. Tell me, will I be able to rescue Pamina?

**Three Wise Boys**: (_Look at the narrator_) Can we tell him **The Big Secret** yet?

**Narrator**: (_Shakes head adamantly_)

**Three Wise Boys**: (_Shrug and turn to Tamino_) Sorry, no can do. We never reveal information without express permission from our *ahem* umm…. We are not permitted to answer that.

**Tamino**: Drat. Could you tell me what the meaning of life is, then?

**Three Wise Boys**: Be steadfast, patient, and discreet!

**Tamino**: Oh…

**Three Wise Boys**: And above all, be manly and conquer like a man! Ta ta! (_Turn and trot off stage_)

**Tamino**: That was…informative…I guess… (_Walks down the path a little further_) Whoa, what's this? Some sort of Egyptian temple thingy with three doors. One is titled "Reason", the next "Wisdom" and the last "Nature". Oh joy! This must be a place of art, culture, literature and diligence. What a noble place! Here one can find truth and justice in a world overrun with corruption! (_Strikes noble pose_) Stand back all ye villains and tremble! I'm gonna rescue Pamina! Okay (_recovers and rubs hands together_) Lessee… how about door number one, "Reason"? (_Turns knob and peeks inside_)

**70's Game Show Host**: (_Pops out from inside with large microphone to the sounds of cheering and triumphant music_) You just won A NEW CAHHR!

**Tamino**: Huh?...

**70's Game Show Host**: (_Opens door further to reveal a shiny red convertible with showgirls waving beside it. Continues in announcer's voice_) This latest sports model is equipped with a high quality sound system, genuine leather seats, and a manual transmission that will ensure you always ride in style! Bet you're glad you picked this door! Would you like to see what would have been behind door number three?

**Tamino**: Uh…

**70's Game Show Host**: (_Opens door titled "Nature", revealing some goats eating polka-dotted underpants_) It's a Zonk! Congratulations, here are your keys! (_Hands Tamino the car keys_) Now how about door number two…

**Tamino**: (_Pocketing the keys_) Would you mind? I'd rather open the door to (_Attempts serious emphasis_) the_ Temple _of_ WISDOM_ on my own. This is supposed to be an opera!

**70's Game Show Host**: (_Laughing_) Opera? Haha! Huh, what? Wait a minute… (_Looks around and notices scenery and non-screaming audience_) Ohhhh darn! Wrong stage! C'mon girls, let's split! (_Races off stage with showroom girls in tow_)

**Tamino**: (_Turns to Narrator and glares_) You messed up my scene!

**Narrator**: Hey! I had nothing to do with that!

**Tamino**: Oh, yeah, sure! Mozart and Schikaneder had their fingerprints all over it!

**Narrator**: Just go look inside door number two already!

**Tamino**: (_Scowls and opens the door to the Temple of Wisdom. Peeks very cautiously inside and finds a priest_) Oh phew! Wisdom and learning at last!

**Priest**: What do you want, stranger?

**Tamino**: Love and virtue!

**Priest**: I dunno. You look too much like a vengeful, non-conformist hipster to want or find such things.

**Tamino**: Only vengeance against evil!

**Priest**: Well, you won't find it here.

**Tamino**: Oh, no, I just realized something – Sarastro is the head of this place, isn't he?

**Priest**: Yep.

**Tamino**: (_Falls to his knees in despair_) NOoooo! Not the Temple of Wisdom too? Ma-annn! It's all a part of the SYSTEM! _They_ control _everything_ – now they want to control our minds too! You can't trust the SYSTEM!

**Three** **Conspiracy Theorists in Audience**: Yeah, that's how it is…We feel ya man…

**Priest**: So, you'll leave then?

**Tamino**: Absolutely! I'm leaving your stupid temple right now! You won't get me…

**Priest**: Not so fast! First tell me what you've got against Sarastro! Why do you hate him?

**Tamino**: (_Snorts_) Duh, 'cause he's an inhuman tyrant!

**Priest**: Who told you that?

**Tamino**: An unhappy woman whom he has caused great distress.

**Priest**: A woman? Ha ha! (_Taunts in sing-songy voice_) You believed a woman! C'mon man! You know that women chatter all day without an ounce of thought in their heads! You actually believed a woman?

**The Three Feminists in Audience**: #$ *%!?... (_sounds of choking and spluttering. They attempt to leave the theater but find a transient ischemic attack has temporarily paralyzed them and so are forced to remain seated_…)

**Tamino**: He took Pamina away from her mother, didn't he?

**Priest**: So he did.

**Tamino**: Well that's enough for me to hate him. Unless you have anything else to add?

**Priest**: (_Turning to Narrator_) Can _I_ tell him **The Big Secret**?

**Narrator**: Nope. Not you either. We still have another scene where we have to believe all this.

**Priest**: Oh, okay. (_Turns to Tamino_) My lips are sealed.

**Tamino**: Aww, c'mon! When am I going to find out?

**Priest**: (_Mysteriously_) Soon… (_walks off stage and leaves Tamino_ _alone_)

**Tamino**: (_Whining_) Ohhh! I'm never gonna find out!

**Mysterious Voices**: (_Echoing around stage_) Soon, soooooon! Soon, young man, or never!

**Tamino**: (_To himself_) Oh, boy, now I'm hearing voices…and even worse, I'm going to answer them… (_To the voices_) Tell me, creepy voices, is Pamina still alive at least?

**Mysterious Voices**: Pamina… Pamina… Pamina…

**Tamino**: (_Impatiently_) Yes? Yes? Pamina, what?

**Mysterious Voices**: (_Whispering_) She still lives…

**Tamino**: Yippeeee! I'm so happy I'm gonna play my flute! (_Takes The Magic Flute out of case and begins to play happy music_)

**Narrator**: The music is so beautiful that cute little creatures from all the lands flock to Tamino as he plays, listening happily to the tunes of his –

**Tamino**: Say _what_!? (_Looks around at the bunnies and birdies and squirrels and deer_) Aw, _really_? First I faint, and now this! I'm a freakin' Prince! Not Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty, or Snow White, or even Pocahontas! Make these little monsters scram and let me do something manly for once.

**Narrator**: But Tamino! This is actually very attractive for ladies. Girls like a guy who can be sensitive and gentle. If you really want to be impressive, keep playing!

**Tamino**: (_Dubiously_) You really think so? Well, okay then. This is the _strangest_ FYFQQ I've ever heard of… (_Begins playing flute again_)

**Birdies**: (_Singing along_) Tweet tweet tweeeet!

**Bunnies**: (_Start dancing the can-can_…)

**Squirrels**: (_Start square dancing_…)

**Deer**: (_Start river-dancing_…)

**Tamino**: (_Aside to himself_) I sure hope this helps me get Pamina…

_Papageno's pipes sound off in the distance_

**Tamino**: Aha! (_Answers with his flute_)

_Pipes answer back._

**Tamino**: Yes! Good old Papageno found my princess for me! Off to find them! (_Skips away playing his flute_)

**The Cute Animals**: (_Skip along behind him happily off the stage, blowing kisses at the audience_)


	6. Foiled Escapes and Big Secrets

**Scene Six: Foiled Escapes and Big Secrets**

**Narrator**: The scene now changes, revealing Papageno and Pamina attempting to inconspicuously sneak out of Sarastro's castle.

**Pamina**: (_Calling out eagerly_) TaMIIIINO! (_To Papageno_) Do you think we'll find him soon? Oh I can hardly wait! (_Calling again_) Oh TAMINO!

**Papageno**: (_Yelling_) Be QUIET! Do you want everyone to hear us?!

**Pamina**: Ouch. You yelled in my ear.

**Papageno**: Sorry. Here, I can call him better! (_Produces his panflute and plays a few blasts_)

_Tamino answers in the distance with his flute_

**Both**: (_Singing together_) Oh joy! But we'd better hurry, hurry, hurry! Hurry, hurry, hurry…

**Monostatos**: (_Sneaking up behind them, chuckling and rubbing his hands together. Sings along with Pamina and Papageno_) Hurry, hurry, hurry!

**Papageno**: Yikes! How did he get here?

**Pamina**: Did I mention he's really fast?

**Monostatos**: Mwahahahaha! Now I've caught you AND your bird monster friend! Prepare to die! Or at least be chained up anyway, hee hee hee! (_Calling_) Hey slaves! Bring me the chains!

**Pamina and Papageno**: Oh we're goners…

**Monostatos**: (_Impatiently_) Slaves? Slaves! Where are you? GET ME MY CHAINS NOW!

**Slaves**: (_Appear exhaustedly on stage, dragging chains behind them and panting from exertion_) Can't…run…another…step…

**Monostatos**: Come on you slowpokes! You're ruining my dramatic moment! (_Seizes chains and turns to Pamina_)

**Papageno**: (_Shaking and clutching his box of musical chimes_) We're gonna die, we're gonna die, we're gonna – wait a minute. My chimes are supposed to save me, maybe they'll work now… (_Lifts lid of box and turns crank on the side, producing a happy little tune_)

**Monostatos and the Slaves**: (_Suddenly forget what they were doing, exclaiming happily_) It's the Hokey Pokey! (_Start to dance to the music and sing_)

You put your right foot in,

You put your right foot out,

You put your right foot in and you shake it all about.

You do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around;

That's what it's all about!

(_Dance off stage, singing_)

You put your left foot in…

**Papageno**: Um… I don't know what I was expecting, but I sure wasn't expecting that!

**Pamina**: Who would've thought?

**Narrator**: Our duo is interrupted suddenly by the sound of triumphant music approaching – enter the choir.

**Choir**: (_Singing in the distance – but getting closer_) Long live Sarastro! Long may Sarastro live!

**Papageno**: Oh rats. _Now_ what?

**Pamina**: Oops, I forgot it's Sarastro Day today and it looks like we've accidentally run into his parade. He'll be here any minute.

**Papageno**: Sarastro Day?! Oh boy…What'll we do? Something tells me Sarastro isn't going to fall for the hokey pokey. Got any suggestions?

**Pamina**: Well, let's see… (_Thinks briefly_) Hmm, I think we're just going to have to tell him the truth!

**Papageno**: (_Screeching_) The _TRUTH_?! What are you crazy? Weren't you just telling me how he'll torture and kill me if he ever gets his hands on me and now you're saying we're going to tell him the _truth_?!

**Narrator**: I think now is the time to reveal **The Big Secret**.

**Pamina**: I think you're right. But could you tell everyone? I'm embarrassed…

**Narrator**: Sure. But first, a chapter break.

**Papageno**: Huh? But I thought the title of this chapter was: Foiled Escapes and Big Secrets!

**Narrator**: Yes, well *Ahem* space constrains us…


	7. The Real One With the Big Secret

**Scene Seven: The Real One With The Big Secret**

**The Big Secret**

Well, the sad truth of the matter is that Sarastro and The Queen of the Night were once married but quarreled bitterly and divorced. When control freaks marry the results aren't usually that good. So Sarastro is actually Pamina's father. Both Mozart and Shikaneder knew this when writing and composing this opera, but as divorce was not quite the popular and acceptable thing then as it was now and was actually seen as disgraceful and frowned upon, they discreetly omitted it – primarily to preserve Sarastro's integrity, but also to avoid humiliating Pamina (I'm not sure they cared about the Queen of the Night…). Ingmar Bergman was aware of this, and, as divorce was no longer that big of a deal in 1975, he brought the secret to light in his production of the opera as it really makes more sense when everyone knows.

**Papageno**: It does?

**Narrator**: Naturally.

**Papageno**: But why did Sarastro steal Pamina away and lock her up? Do we even need to rescue her?

**Narrator**: Just look at it this way, Papageno, and try not to think about it too much or you'll get confused…

**Part II of The Big Secret**

When they divorced, the Queen initially received sole legal custody of Pamina. This was standard practice due to the rights of motherhood. Sarastro, on the other hand, not liking the idea of paying child support plus alimony – and wanting to get back at his ex – took the issue back to court on the grounds that the Queen wasn't taking Pamina to her court-ordered psychologist appointments, accusing her of contempt of court. He hired the sleaziest, nastiest lawyer he could find to accomplish the deed, who also recommended that he accuse the Queen of Parental Alienation Syndrome to further ensure Sarastro would obtain custody. It worked. Although the success was also probably partly due to the fact that the judge was a Mason, just like Sarastro, and that may have swayed his opinion just a little teency weency bit… Anyway, Sarastro obtained full legal and physical custody of Pamina then and there and took her from her mother on their way out of the courtroom. Incidentally, this is the moment the Queen previously described as the one in which her daughter was stolen and her power broken for indeed, the Queen of the Night had tried to pull her own political strings, but to no avail. The judge simply responded to her case with the logic that "Children are resilient" and took Pamina away anyway. The Queen promptly fell into a depression and went off her Bipolar medications and spent her days plotting how to get her daughter back.

**Papageno**: But… If Sarastro is Pamina's father, then why in the world did he leave her in Monostatos' hands?

**Narrator**: Papageno, I warned you not to think too much!

**Part III of The Big Secret**

Monostatos is the sleazy, nasty lawyer Sarastro hired. For some reason he also thought he'd make a perfect babysitter. I never said Sarastro was a good father – I think he was more worried about Pamina escaping than he was about Monostatos' character. After all, Pamina was purported to have Parental Alienation Syndrome and therefore could not be trusted to know what was best for her. Maybe now you see why Schikaneder just didn't mess with any of this?

**Papageno**: I think my brain is going to explode… Are the Three Ladies good then? What about the Three Wise Boys?

**Part IV of The Big Secret**

The Three Ladies who enlisted Tamino's help are, in fact, the Queen of the Night's team of lawers. They have advised the Queen that the best thing now is for Pamina to get married so that she will effectively emancipate herself and retain her own sole legal and physical custody. The Three Wise Boys are the court-appointed psychologists and are therefore neutral parties.

**Papageno**: Oka-ay… So now for the important question. Is Sarastro really going to kill me then?

**Narrator**: No, that was all just a bunch of exaggerations from his ex-wife. Naturally she thinks he's a monster.

**Papageno**: But Pamina told me too! (_Looks at Pamina_)

**Pamina**: (_Protesting_) Well you should have seen what he did to the last guy that tried to take me out! Dad can be a bit touchy sometimes…

**Choir**: (_Singing even closer_) Long live Sarastro! Long may Sarastro live!

**Papageno**: (_Sarcastically_) Oh boy, I give up! (_To Pamina_) You just make sure "Dad" knows I had _nothing_ to do with this…


	8. Sarastro

**Scene Eight: Sarastro**

**Choir**: (_Still singing_) Long live Sarastro! Long may Sarastro live! (_Enter triumphantly on stage, still singing_) He is our all-wise idol to whom we pay homage! Joyfully we surrender to him!

**Random Cheerleader**: (_Running onto stage after Choir, brandishing pom-poms_) S-A-R-A-S-T-R-O! You're the one to whom we always go! O-R-T-S-A-R-A-S! If they ask we tell 'em you're the best! YAY Sarastro!

**Random Brass Band**: (_Parade onto stage, playing triumphal entry music, much to the annoyance of the orchestra conductor_…)

**Sarastro**: (_Enters scene in a chariot pulled by lions_)

**All the Threesomes of Activists in the Audience**: We knew it! We just _knew_ it! Sarastro is a geezer white dude! This opera is all part of a white male dominated society!

**Sarastro**: Hey! I'm just the understudy! Who ever heard of a white dude named 'Sarastro' anyway? The middle eastern fellow who was supposed to play tonight got a head cold. I can't help it if I'm an old white man, give me a break!

**Sarastro Character Synopsis**

Apart from what we already know concerning his family life, Sarastro is the high priest of the Masonic Temple. As such, he has great knowledge and access to unlimited powers – but he's borne it comparatively well and kept in touch with humanity, earning the respect and love of the people of the land. Also, like only the best and most proper Masons, he has an almost irrational obsession with the number three, an issue for which he is currently in therapy with the three wise boys – which, incidentally, is why there are three of them. Sarastro would not consent to any other number of therapists. This idiosyncrasy is in fact, one of the primary reasons he rose so high within the Masonic order.

**Pamina**: (_Aside to Papageno_) Okay, here's where I've gotta appease my dad…

**Papageno**: Happy Sarastro Day.

**Pamina**: (_Flings herself at Sarastro's feet as he steps out of his chariot_) I'm so sorry but I tried to run away – twice – but I wouldn't have if Monostatos didn't keep stalking me…

**Sarastro**: (_Whispering_) Not so dramatic! People will think I beat you or something… (_Louder, for general public to hear_) Arise and don't be afraid my daughter! Even without your confession I already know your love for another – who shall remain nameless but whose initials can be supposed to be T.Q.O.T.N. – is great. (_Sighs dramatically_) I know I can't force you to love me, but I'm only keeping you here for your good!

**Pamina**: I do wish Mom could have gotten custody…

**Sarastro**: She remains in my power… (_Chuckles to himself_) yes… power… *_ahem_* (_To Pamina_) Anyways, you wouldn't be happy with her, would you, dearest? (_Strong insinuating tones asking for an affirmative reply_)

**Pamina**: Um… (_hesitates, knowing the correct response, but trying to keep to the original plan of honesty_) I _do_ love my mother…

**Sarastro**: She is nothing but a proud woman! You need a MAN to guide you!

**The Three Feminists in Audience**: (_One has recovered from her transient ischemic attach and has regained the power of speech_) That DOES it! C'mon girls, let's get outta here! (_The other two are still paralyzed, a condition seemingly prolonged by this new insult_) Oh… (_realizes fate of her companions_) guess I'm stuck here…

**Monostatos**: (_Enters stage, dragging Tamino behind him, calling out_) Look who I found! (_To Tamino_) Now kneel before your lord and wish him a happy Sarastro Day!

**Narrator**: Tamino pays this no mind and in fact, probably didn't hear it at all, but whether or not it was due to a flare-up of SAAS we will never know, for at this self-same moment, he has sighted: Pamina. Henceforth he is ignorant to anything but her presence… Pamina also is now ignorant of everything – including the conversation with her father which was trending so poorly – and sings out at the sight of Tamino.

**Pamina**: Er ist's! (_In translation: It's him!)_

**Tamino**: Sie ist's! (_It's her!)_

**Pamina**: I'm so happy!

**Tamino**: Me too!

**Together**: (_Run into each others arms and hold each other close, singing tenderly_) Near, far, wherever you are... oops, wait, wrong production.

**Choir, Monostatos, and Sarastro:** Whoa, wait a minute, what in the world is going on here?!

**Papageno**: (_Excitedly_) Oh, oh! I know! I know!

**Monostatos**: (_Ignoring Papageno_) Hands off, you two! (_Kneels at Sarastro's feet_) Your slave kneels before you master…

**Narrator**: Yes, it is true, in Sarastro's time, Lawyers were considered slaves. This was, of course, to be changed later by a lawyer's union, but in the meantime, clients enjoyed complete control and power. Sarastro would later look back fondly on these times as 'the good old days when you could beat your lawyer up if you didn't like him'.

**Monostatos**: (_Continuing_) I have done a little work on the side, apart from our contract, and discovered that this fellow (_indicating Tamino_) tried to use this bird monster (_indicating Papageno_) to try to abduct Pamina from you. I think that for discovering this, in addition to my retainer fees, I should be –

**Sarastro**: Well rewarded!

**Monostatos**: Precisely! Your recommendation alone will make me wealthy!

**Sarastro**: I recommend seventy-seven lashes of the whip!

**Monostatos**: Wait, what? Don't you think that's a bit too much? How about thirty-three instead?

**Sarastro**: Nice try, but in this instance a form of the 'number of completion' – seven – ought to serve the purpose better. Don't thank me! It is simply my duty.

**Monostatos**: (_Muttering_) You think you're helping and then what do you get? Ach, wir armen Advocaten sollen immer helfen, rathen…

**Choir**: (_Sings as Monostatos is led away_) Long live Sarastro, supremely wise he punishes and rewards in proper fashion.

**Sarastro**: And as for these two (_Motioning to Tamino and Papageno_) take them into our testing temple and cover their heads. They must be purified…

**Choir**: If only virtue and justice always prevailed, then earth would be heaven and mortals as gods! (_Or, in other words_) Sarastro is awesome!

**Narrator**: Sacks are put over Tamino and Papageno's heads and everyone begins to file off the stage as the curtain lowers.

**Choir**: (_Murmuring to each other_) We're getting paid for all this praise stuff, right?

**Sarastro**: Shush!

**Narrator**: This is the end of Act One. If you have read this far, it can mean only one of two things:

A. You are very bored and have absolutely nothing better to do.

B. You are actually a Magic Flute fan and will read anything that has to do with the opera, even this.

Either way, congratulations! Only one more act to go… Bonus points to the people who caught the Die Fledermaus quote in this chapter! There was also a 'Titanic' rip-off in there, but you don't get bonus points for catching that one. Sorry. Now for further announcements. Pardon me one moment… (_Narrator changes costume and turns into… The Author!_)

**From the Author**: Sorry for the delay in updates. I picked up a lot of overtime at work the past few weeks, a problem which is all over now, and I should be able to post much more frequently and soon finish this for all those who await! Also, thanks so much for the reviews! It always helps to know what people think (_Author reverts back into character as: The Narrator_)

**Narrator**: Chapter break, please…

**Author**: We'll break when I say we break!

**Narrator**: Wait a minute, is this a split personality complex? Aren't you, me?

**Author**: Um… Right… Chapter break please!

**Narrator**: That's better! I think…


End file.
